He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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