Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
