My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was like eating out sand paper
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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