The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
