I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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