I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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