It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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