I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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