i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
