I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
