Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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