Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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