Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
