Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
