So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
