Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
