I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
