Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
