Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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