did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
