He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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