I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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