My liver just broke up with me...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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