she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
