You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
