I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
