What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
