I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
