just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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