just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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