My friends, they love my intelligence
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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