I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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