Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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