So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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