She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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