I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
