look no pants
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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