he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
