Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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