During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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