I just saw a hot homeless man
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
