Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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