I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
