Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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