i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dicks are not precious.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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