I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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