This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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