we're chasing vodka with high fives
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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