I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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