Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
