if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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